Dual....:-)
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
