My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
