I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
