I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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