I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you traded sex for a burrito?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Im part way to drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
