that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Pooping to opera.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
