I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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