Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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