i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
