if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
