Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
MIDGETS
????
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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