I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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