Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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