So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
