I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
