I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
