Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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