i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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