went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
