i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
