Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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