All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
