Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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