I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Pooping to opera.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
