I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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