He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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