My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
