I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
