Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
