Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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