The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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