dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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