I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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