Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
