Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
