You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
