He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
