Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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