I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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