I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
