she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
