I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
