shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
