im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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