So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
