I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
