Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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