Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
