Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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