My sheets look like a crime scene.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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