I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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