God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
